Monday, 29 July 2013

Day 38 - M' Learned Friends

The world-renowned toffy-nosed newspaper, The Chimes of Ingerlanshire, has printed an advert paid by intellectuals and movie stars attacking the self-appointed Grand Caliph of Little Tallyban and Greater Istanshire. His Supreme Excellency (etc) Tey Thorn has gone ballistic with rage (again) because until this point in time he was absolutely sure that everyone in the known universe loved him like a God.

"I am not a dictator!" he dictated to his chronicler (-that's me by the way). "I will sue them into bankruptcy as I have ruined so many of my enemies! I am not Hitler! My rally in which everyone chanted and happily raised their right fists was not in any way reminiscent of the Nuremberg Rallies."

Flunky: Yes my Lord.

Thorn: Did I not sue and win against a schoolboy who called me a lightbulb ?

Flunky: Yes my Lord. That was a just and virtuous win.

Thorn: Did I not sue and financially ruin a cartoonist who likened me to a kitten caught up in a ball of string ?

Flunky: Yes Efendi. That was a deeply malicious cartoon, drawn with such poison.

Thorn: Did I not sue and financially ruin a musician who sang a song called "The Thorn Blues" on YouTube ?

Flunky: To suggest that you were not bringing joy to your citizens was a heinous crime punishable by death, my Lord.

Thorn: Then we must engage a lawyer in Ingerlanshire and sue The Chimes of Lundun County. This advert was a crime against human rights and a heinous crime against humanity.

Flunky: My Lord, you are, as we all know, most powerful. But in Ingerlanshire it is the newspaper owners who control the politicians - not as it is here where you control the newspapers and TV stations. A supremely powerful man called Robert McMurdereroch has all the politicians in his pocket. And he owns The Chimes, the newspaper you wish to ruin. In the Infidel world outside these borders it is McMurdereroch who pulls the strings.

Thorn: Not David Macaroon ?

Flunky: No my Lord. David Macaroon is the lobotomized puppet leader of Ingerlanshire. Anyway, we have contacted The Chimes and I have taken the liberty of sending for the Chimes's libel lawyer's portrait so that we may understand him better. Here it is.

Thorn: Oh fuck.

After Thorn had recovered his composure (Raki helped) he asked me (as a native of Ingerlanshire) to provide a guide to English libel lawyers. I wrote in my report:

The English Libel Lawyer (Libelus Legalis Assholusi) is an exotic creature renowned for devouring prey large and small as well as its own young during its daily migration from the Home Counties to the shores of the River Tems at the heart of Lundun County. Its many thousands of receptors on its elongated nose allows it to scent blood or cash in the water from several miles away. It devours everything in its path, friend or foe and then takes all their money.

Thorn: How much is all this going to cost me ?

Me: Several million Ingerlan parnds.

Thorn: Double fuck.

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