Saturday, 22 June 2013

Day 14 - A Declaration of War

Mr. Thorn is still in his Marlon Brando Kurtz Man-cave picking at the bowl of rice which is his breakfast. A grimy flunky dressed in ragged combat fatigues, with soot smeared on his face, brings bad news. 
Flunky: The chancellor of Germanshire Angela Merkel has  blocked any further talks on Istanshire joining the European Empire of Shires. And boy did she enjoy standing in front of the TV cameras to tell the world! 
Thorn gives his man a deathly stare and the flunky yelps with fear.
Flunky: Please do not impale my testicles again my Lord. You did after all command us to have three children. Mrs Merkel is of course disgraceful to deny us entrance to her exclusive infidel club. What shall we tell the world ?
Publisher: Now, none of the European Union of Shires' members are particularly enthusiastic about being members these days either but I kept this thought to myself for the sake of my future unborn children.
Thorn (whispering to the Flunky): We must kill them. We must incinerate them. Pig after pig... cow after cow... village after village... army after army...
Flunky: Shall I put that in my press release sir ?
With no answer from the Great Man the flunky scrapes his way out of the Marlon Brando man-cave and runs to his laptop to prepare the press release for the world's press. Thirty minutes and a napalm bombing scene on the 90-inch flatscreen later the flunky returns.
Flunky: Mrs Merkel has summoned our ambassador to Berlishire and has given him a bollocking - figuratively speaking of course my Pascha. Physical impalement of the bollock sack as a disciplinary measure is not as fashionable in Europe as it is here, sir. (cringe cringe).
Thorn: Then call her ambassador in here - and bring his head to me on a spike.
Thirty minutes pass as we watch a large animal being dismembered alive with a sword and my screen self, Willard, doing the same.
Flunky: My Pascha, his excellency the ambassador of Germanshire has issued a press release to tell us all to - and I quote - "fuck off and die you barbarians - with friendly greetings". 
And thus two great nations, or rather one big economically powerful one and a small US-funded banana republic stood one diplomatic rung below a declaration of war.
Stay transfixed for another episode of insanity with Thorn the Thicky-thick-thick.

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