Sunday, 18 August 2013

Day 50 - A Rip in the Fabric of Spacetime

Real-life James Bond villain, Fetullah Ghoulean
wants a worldwide Caliphate.

There has been much speculation in the state-controlled media that The Grand Caliph of Little Tallyban and Greater Istanshire is ill. They are right - he is in the booby hatch again.

Thorn writes: One minute the tailor was fitting my new jacket with the very long arms and in the next I was being carted into an ambulance. The vicars say I have to stay here until I learn something called humility. That might take a while as there is no dictionary in my padded cell and I have no idea what the word means.

There has also been a critical article in one of the 'friendly' newspapers, The Today's Zaperson, which is under the influence of real-life James Bond villain, Fetullah Ghoulean, that Thorn should take anti-depressants and chill-out. Ghoulean is the mastermind behind the coming World Caliphate and formerly one of Thorn's secret backers.

Thorn writes: They want me to take medication ? I'm already taking bloody medication! What do you think I would be like if I wasn't ?! My friends in the Masli Brotherhood were angels of a new world order. All they did was promise voters to lead Gipposhire into a modern democracy by chopping off the hands and gouging out the eyes of anyone who objected to being taken back 300 years to where such punishments were the norm. What's not to like ??? Why is anyone complaining ? I don't get it. I've been getting away with this for ten years although admittedly I am a lot cleverer and subtler than that fruit and nut job, Brother President Muesli.

Ghoulean lives in Pennsylvania under a volcano using his huge personal fortune to finance the coming world-wide Caliphate, while inexplicably living under the protection of Brad Orbarma, President of the United Shires. Ghoulean is furious because the Masli Brotherhood has been toppled from power by a military coup  in nearby Gipposhire. The so-called Masli-Stink (or CIA-backed (and named) Arab Spring as you call it in your parallel Universe) has come to a grinding halt. The anonymity that Ghoulean has enjoyed for over a decade has come to an end. A huge demo by villagers, complete with international TV cameras is about to arrive and put a metaphorical bomb in his volcano's cauldron. 

Meanwhile in Gipposhire the vicars (after being signalled by Volcano HQ) are holding helpful services and then sending members of the congregation to fight the new regime's soldiers armed only with the martyr's promise of 72 virgins. If there were any virgins in heaven before Gipposhire's coup then there aren't anymore and there is a bit of a deflowering backlog. Not to matter because the remaining congregation has been slaughtering women and children at random to make up the numbers.

Thorn writes: My efforts to take my own country back in time have also suffered a mortal set-back. Let me explain. To maintain some appearance of democracy is important so that we can keep the $22bn a year flowing in from Brad Orbarma of the United Shires. Therefore I have not been able to assassinate, jail or disappear as many opposition party members as I would like. Those bastards in the village council have just blocked my bid to become Omnipotent President Of The World Until The End Of Time.  FUCK! And what if Orbarma and the CIA now also turn on me ?

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