Day 70 - I Love the Smell of Teargas in the Morning

The State Religion of Masli Makes Women Free

The Grand Sphincter of Little Tallyban and Greater Istanshire Tey Thorn is thumbing through his photo albums.....

Thorn: I am so proud of my granddaughter who is now in faith school. She has given me her new annual class photo. She's the girl with the blond hair.

Later.....

Thorn: The village children spend their days taunting me and my Mayor of Wankara on the Internet using their infernal iPhones. He is indeed more than a few cards short of a full deck but that's part of his job description. Who in their right mind would want to be public servant to the village mob - at least without kickbacks?  And so I have once again declared war on those unholy Jewish dogs at Twitter. I have abandoned plans to found my own service - TurkTwatter -- because I ended up twatting to myself. Nobody listen to me, even on the Internet and that's fucking full of like-minded wackos.  I have just ordered 6,000 villagers to volunteer and create something called mind-bending hashbags on Twitter so that the world can see the good side of Greater Istanshire and not just the brutal public beatings cuddling of protesters by my plain-clothed policemen, the delightful mutilations body modifications, the justified murders unaccidental killings and the delicious terrible teargassing deaths. Oh #BOLLOCKS! Twat that!

Teargas clouds in the night sky over the Masli paradise of Little Tallyban, Istanshire

Day 42 - Time Travel at Last!

Editor's note: The 'fairy tale' in the previous blog entry is, like many of the events in this blog in which the piss is taken, completely true. The events happened in 2002. (Just in case you were wondering). In this parallel universe that dreadful feudalist country is called Shoddi Arabia. In your universe the name may be similar sounding. The picture is actually from the pre-Tallyban times in Afghanisshire when women could go to university - again the spelling in your universe may differ.

As you know, Mister Thorn's attempt at time travelling to change the law in the past using a Tardis were thwarted by a crafty cockney called Bob. It also didn't help that there is no such thing as a real Tardis. But how is a badly educated product of a faith school who believes in an omnipotent sky god going to know the difference between magic and technology ? 

But to control the past one only needs control of the media and so the need for a great magician like a Time Lord and his Tardis became irrelevant. Now the self-styled Grand Caliph of Little Tallyban and Greater Istanshire has a greater problem. All the doctors who have not been jailed for helping the injured brownies and the cub scouts during the occupation of the village park have quit.

Thorn writes: Who needs doctors anyway ? And who needs Time Lords ? I am more powerful than any BBC Doctor. I will take my entire country time travelling. And when I issue the command, as that Star Trek Captain once said, then it will be so. I do love those documentaries. I shall instruct my network SeeNooNewsTurk to show them when the rebellious riff-raff are on the streets again.

To which era will you take your country ? - I asked Thorn.

Thorn: To the Middle Ages. The Middle Ages is when Istanshire was called the Pottyman Empire and ruled by the Pottymen. It was a time when women were strong and gave birth without the aid of doctors and their witchcraft. Ours will be a strong nation once again where no medicines are used and women will have to be strong and give birth to strong, healthy children. No more need for unclean medicines and pain killers made by pork eaters. I have instructed my health minister to ban all caesarian sections -- because the country's high street butchers have refused to help me by filling the empty surgeon's jobs. Pain killers are also a no-no.

But pregnant mothers will die agonising deaths - I protested. Children will die needlessly - I added.

Thorn: Your point being ?

Day 40 - The Babysitter from Hell

After numerous public relations gaffes (every time he opens his mouth in fact) Mister Thorn has been urged by the vicars to take time out and rediscover Family Life. The blunders -- too numerous to mention -- have transformed the self-styled Grand Caliph of  Little Tallyban and Greater Istanshire into an international symbol of  Stupid. Here we see him reading a bedtime fairy story with a moral message from the new state religion of Masli to a small child lying in her bed.

Thorn: Once upon a time ....

Child: Ooh I love stories that begin once upon a time Grandpa Tey!

Thorn: Once upon a time there was a young girl living far far away in a land called Shoddi-Arabia, the centre of our great religion. She was beautiful and her family treated her like a princess.

Child: Ooh I love stories about princesses!

Thorn: Her family sent her to an all girls school where she studied to be a scientist.

Child: Nasty boys not there!

Thorn: One day there was a nasty explosion and a great fire broke out!

Child: Oh no!

Thorn: But the girls all escaped unharmed through an emergency door.

Child: All safe!

Thorn: But the good religious police guarding outside saw that the girls were undressed.

Child: They were naked at school ?

Thorn: Yes the girls were very bad and had taken off their veils. So the good religious police made them return to the building to fetch their veils and then, to protect their modesty, locked the doors behind them. The girls became stuck in the building. It was terrible. There was screaming!

Child: Oh no!

Thorn: But the good firefighters came and saw that the girls were undressed and would not enter the building.

Child: But then the children escaped ?

Thorn: No they all burned to death.

Child: (begins weeping)

Thorn: So the moral of this tale is - never forget your veil! Five years later the great wise leaders of Shoddi-Arabia changed the law so that firefighters could enter girls' schools.

Child: So the children are okay ?

Thorn: No, still dead. But they died and went to heaven. And as you know, in our great religion, having many virgins in heaven as a reward for our religious fighters is very important.

To cheer you all up - here is a young lady showing her Masli piety by wearing a head scarf. As you can see, no man will be tempted because her hair is covered.

 

Okay, just for balance, let's look at a picture of a truly modestly dressed young Masli lady (below). As you can see, young men passing have no interest in sex at all.

 

Day 35 - Dawn of the Undead Idiots

Mister Thorn, the self-appointed Grand Caliph of Little Tallyban and Greater Istanshire, has been in hospital (again) with multiple self-inflicted gunshot wounds to the foot. Naturally he blames the Rebellious Renegades of the village's Brownie and Cub Scout packs for his misfortune.

Bugger! I've just got Mrs Thorn's latest credit card bill. The bloody interest rate in Istanshire has had to be increased so that the International Jewish Banking Conspiracy continue to fund my frothy economic miracle which has been in somewhat of a death dive of late.

The wife has been on another of her spending sprees and bought our son a new cargo ship to add to his growing fleet. I'm a self made man. As a boy I used to sell lemonade on the village streets. Now I am a multi dollar billionaire. Not bad for a street kid huh ? Of course my detractors point out that this is impossible for a government official on a meagre stipend. Of course it's bloody impossible! They are such idiots. That's why I collect gifts from all the industrialists in my shire who want to continue doing business without getting a ruinous tax audit. That's what Swiss bank accounts are for and I have six!

 

Mister Thorn's ministers have been told to be more pious and to use the new state religion in all their day to day speeches and decisions.  So one of Thorn's government lawyers (not the sharpest tool in the shed - but what do you expect ?) launched an attack on expectant mothers who show off their bumps in public. Thorn agreed.

Pregnant women walking around in public are advertising that they have been shagging. Shagging is against our religion, is indecent and is just plain wrong. I have issued a decree. Shagging is hereby banned in our Shire.

The phone rings. It is the Chief Vicar. I have transcribed Thorn's side of the conversation.

What do you mean that our religion has been nominated for the Darwin Awards ? ....I thought you said sex was unholy ?.... Fuck! Make your bloody mind up! .....yes .....yes.....no....okay.....yes... But surely these sluts should just lock themselves away until it's all over?.... What do you mean it's a holy sacrament of marriage ?...... But......Mrs Thorn also told me that shagging was against our religion.... What ? .... It's not ?!!!!..... I'm gonna cancel that bitch's credit cards! And how the hell did she get pregnant then ?.... Yes I did do human biology at the faith school I attended. Yes I know where babies come from. They come from God....yes ..... no.... yes... God needs a little help ? Eh ?

Mister Thorn's Minister for Health has also been busy being pious. He has been gradually phasing out conventional medicine (most of the doctors are now in jail or working as street sweepers after getting fired). He is advising citizens to pray more in order to get protection from illness by god himself. Western medicines are unclean because they are often made with the donations of blood from unbelievers and pork eaters - specifically in Ingerlanshire where many advanced medicines are made.

My health minister has put the world on notice. We will not accept any medicines made by the unclean infidel pork eaters. Our medicines are being made by a race of vampires in league with the scientists of the Undead.

The phone rings. It is the Chief Vicar again. Again I dutifully transcribe Thorn's side of the conversation.

What do you mean there is no such thing as vampires ?.... Uh huh. uh huh. No undead either ? Uh huh. Can't I use that in my speech anyway. Most of what I say is completely made up anyway.... Uh huh. uh huh.... What ?!!! God can't take the place of medicines ? You have to be shitting me! ... uh huh.... It's just religious rhetoric... Uh huh. .....No more bullshit of any kind in my speeches?...... That will be hard.

 

Day 32 - In league with the International Jewish Conspiracy

Today Mister Thorn is having a power breakfast with his press officer. They are feasting on pickled Venezuelan Poodle Moths. There have been reports in the infidel media that Istanshire secretly co-operated with archenemy Jewshire and allowed their air force to use Istanshire bases to carry out airstrikes against their mutual neighbor Sinistershire. In the true spirit of dictatorship Mister Thorn insists on drafting the press release himself because he doesn't trust his flunkies.

Thorn: No frickin' way did we let Jewshire use our airbases. We feel betrayed by our International partners who should have kept their big mouths shut as we frickin' agreed. These claims are absolutely wrong and saying otherwise is an act of betrayal by complete bastards who are now trying to drop me in the shit. Those who claim this are trying to damage Istanshire's relationships with its loyal Arab friends who would be frickin' apocalyptic if they discovered I was co-operating with our ancient, sworn enemy, the International Jewish Conspiracy. So we didn't do it. And print that!

I asked Mister Thorn how he was going to explain away the coming hike in domestic interest rates which he promised would never happen.

Thorn:  I have instructed my newspapers to redact the article in which I never made this promise.

Isn't that a little Orwellian? I asked. Whoever controls the past controls the future.

Thorn: Exactly.

Day - 30 Incognito

My psychiatrist and my publisher recommended that I should get out more, to meet the people incognito as the old Roman emperors once did. Me a Roman emperor ? I like the idea of that! I've yet to put to death as many as the average Roman emperor but it's early days. They fed Christians to the lions which seems perfectly acceptable to me. As you can see from the picture, Mrs Thorn and I put on our best and finest religious attire to disguise our appearances. I couldn't see a bloody thing through that veil. The wife said the beard was scratchy as hell and refused to wear it anymore after the picture was taken. 

Publisher: I asked Mister Thorn what it meant to have an overwhelming majority of 50% of the popular vote (or 28% if all the opponents votes under 10% don't get arbitrarily transferred to the leading party.) He said cheerily:

Well, I have license to do anything I want. 

As a student of Socratic dialogue it is always better to lead the unreasonable person into making a rational thought, and also lead him to believe that it is his. OK Mister Thorn, I said daringly, let me ask you this. So if you felt the need to kill all the people who didn't vote for you, maybe send them to death camps, would you feel justified ? He said:

Now there's a thought!

Sorry Socrates. I tried.

Day 28 - Venus in Chains

I have been obsessing about this picture all day, especially in the toilet. In spite of all my efforts to ban them, the youngsters of the village have been holding celebrations wearing very tight T-shirts bearing the name of that drunken old bastard whose name I have been trying to erase from the shire I now rule with a rod of iron. There are so many things that are wrong with this picture. Firstly I can see her creamy legs. Secondly her skirt is far too short. Thirdly she is smiling. Fourthly it's obvious that her mother needs lessons in how to wash clothes - on very close and long inspection the skirt and t-shirt appear to have shrunk in the wash and her two lady things above are clearly on show. Surely this next picture, which is in fitting with my shire's state religion, is much better ?

Day 26 - Indoctrination for the new world order

I love children. Children that are brought up in our faith are so easy to educate. Here they are learning how to ruin an infidel song called Ciao Bello while waving their War Fists of Passion. They round it off with some praising of lovely me.

Publisher: I asked Mister Thorn whether maths, physics and a few foreign languages would not go amiss in his new faith schools. He said:

The only thing women need to know is how to serve their future husbands and look after babies. And how to praise god and me. Carrying suicide bombs is also encouraged.