Day 42 - Time Travel at Last!

Editor's note: The 'fairy tale' in the previous blog entry is, like many of the events in this blog in which the piss is taken, completely true. The events happened in 2002. (Just in case you were wondering). In this parallel universe that dreadful feudalist country is called Shoddi Arabia. In your universe the name may be similar sounding. The picture is actually from the pre-Tallyban times in Afghanisshire when women could go to university - again the spelling in your universe may differ.

As you know, Mister Thorn's attempt at time travelling to change the law in the past using a Tardis were thwarted by a crafty cockney called Bob. It also didn't help that there is no such thing as a real Tardis. But how is a badly educated product of a faith school who believes in an omnipotent sky god going to know the difference between magic and technology ? 

But to control the past one only needs control of the media and so the need for a great magician like a Time Lord and his Tardis became irrelevant. Now the self-styled Grand Caliph of Little Tallyban and Greater Istanshire has a greater problem. All the doctors who have not been jailed for helping the injured brownies and the cub scouts during the occupation of the village park have quit.

Thorn writes: Who needs doctors anyway ? And who needs Time Lords ? I am more powerful than any BBC Doctor. I will take my entire country time travelling. And when I issue the command, as that Star Trek Captain once said, then it will be so. I do love those documentaries. I shall instruct my network SeeNooNewsTurk to show them when the rebellious riff-raff are on the streets again.

To which era will you take your country ? - I asked Thorn.

Thorn: To the Middle Ages. The Middle Ages is when Istanshire was called the Pottyman Empire and ruled by the Pottymen. It was a time when women were strong and gave birth without the aid of doctors and their witchcraft. Ours will be a strong nation once again where no medicines are used and women will have to be strong and give birth to strong, healthy children. No more need for unclean medicines and pain killers made by pork eaters. I have instructed my health minister to ban all caesarian sections -- because the country's high street butchers have refused to help me by filling the empty surgeon's jobs. Pain killers are also a no-no.

But pregnant mothers will die agonising deaths - I protested. Children will die needlessly - I added.

Thorn: Your point being ?

Day 35 - Dawn of the Undead Idiots

Mister Thorn, the self-appointed Grand Caliph of Little Tallyban and Greater Istanshire, has been in hospital (again) with multiple self-inflicted gunshot wounds to the foot. Naturally he blames the Rebellious Renegades of the village's Brownie and Cub Scout packs for his misfortune.

Bugger! I've just got Mrs Thorn's latest credit card bill. The bloody interest rate in Istanshire has had to be increased so that the International Jewish Banking Conspiracy continue to fund my frothy economic miracle which has been in somewhat of a death dive of late.

The wife has been on another of her spending sprees and bought our son a new cargo ship to add to his growing fleet. I'm a self made man. As a boy I used to sell lemonade on the village streets. Now I am a multi dollar billionaire. Not bad for a street kid huh ? Of course my detractors point out that this is impossible for a government official on a meagre stipend. Of course it's bloody impossible! They are such idiots. That's why I collect gifts from all the industrialists in my shire who want to continue doing business without getting a ruinous tax audit. That's what Swiss bank accounts are for and I have six!

 

Mister Thorn's ministers have been told to be more pious and to use the new state religion in all their day to day speeches and decisions.  So one of Thorn's government lawyers (not the sharpest tool in the shed - but what do you expect ?) launched an attack on expectant mothers who show off their bumps in public. Thorn agreed.

Pregnant women walking around in public are advertising that they have been shagging. Shagging is against our religion, is indecent and is just plain wrong. I have issued a decree. Shagging is hereby banned in our Shire.

The phone rings. It is the Chief Vicar. I have transcribed Thorn's side of the conversation.

What do you mean that our religion has been nominated for the Darwin Awards ? ....I thought you said sex was unholy ?.... Fuck! Make your bloody mind up! .....yes .....yes.....no....okay.....yes... But surely these sluts should just lock themselves away until it's all over?.... What do you mean it's a holy sacrament of marriage ?...... But......Mrs Thorn also told me that shagging was against our religion.... What ? .... It's not ?!!!!..... I'm gonna cancel that bitch's credit cards! And how the hell did she get pregnant then ?.... Yes I did do human biology at the faith school I attended. Yes I know where babies come from. They come from God....yes ..... no.... yes... God needs a little help ? Eh ?

Mister Thorn's Minister for Health has also been busy being pious. He has been gradually phasing out conventional medicine (most of the doctors are now in jail or working as street sweepers after getting fired). He is advising citizens to pray more in order to get protection from illness by god himself. Western medicines are unclean because they are often made with the donations of blood from unbelievers and pork eaters - specifically in Ingerlanshire where many advanced medicines are made.

My health minister has put the world on notice. We will not accept any medicines made by the unclean infidel pork eaters. Our medicines are being made by a race of vampires in league with the scientists of the Undead.

The phone rings. It is the Chief Vicar again. Again I dutifully transcribe Thorn's side of the conversation.

What do you mean there is no such thing as vampires ?.... Uh huh. uh huh. No undead either ? Uh huh. Can't I use that in my speech anyway. Most of what I say is completely made up anyway.... Uh huh. uh huh.... What ?!!! God can't take the place of medicines ? You have to be shitting me! ... uh huh.... It's just religious rhetoric... Uh huh. .....No more bullshit of any kind in my speeches?...... That will be hard.

 

Day 33 - Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics

The above chart is similar to that of Istanshire's gas price increases over several years. Of course this diary is about Istanshire and has absolutely nothing to do with Turkey, which is in a parallel universe.


Mister Thorn, the self-appointed Grand Caliph of Istanshire, is meeting with a journalist from the world-famous financial service, Gloomberg, at his sultanate in the village of Little Tallyban.

Journalist: There are some concerns in the world of international finance that your inflation figures over the last few years just don't add up. Try as we might, we just can't square the circle. We see that beer prices have almost doubled and beer prices in bars have almost trebled in three years, thanks to the new ultra-expensive license fees you have levied.

Thorn: My people don't drink alcohol. If they drink then they are not my people. They did not vote for me.

Journalist: So alcohol has not been included in your theoretical inflation basket of products ?

Thorn: Of course not. Drinkers will go straight to hell. It is an infidel habit.

Journalist: Okay then. How about cigarettes ? They have doubled in price in the last few years, haven't they ?

Thorn: My people don't smoke cigarettes. If they smoke then they will go straight to hell. Smokers are not my people.

Journalist: Okay then. That's not included either. So - this brings us onto petrol. Benzine prices have doubled in the last three years, have they not ?

Thorn: Benzine is a vice. Cars are a vice. Only the price of public transport is included in my inflation figures. These prices are fixed by the state and cross subsidised from private use of petrol. My people do not use cars.

Journalist: Your people do not use cars ? Surely not true. Many workers outside the great cities have to use a car or a truck to carry out their business. They are paying almost a third of their tiny monthly net income on benzine alone.

Thorn: If they can afford a car or a truck then they can afford to pay the tax. Or buy a camel like a good Arab.

Journalist (exasperated): But surely benzine should be included in your inflation calculations! Please tell me exactly what is included in your calculations. How is your annual inflation figure calculated ? Is it based on the price of camel fodder perhaps ? We calculate your country's annual inflation as at least 30%. You claim it is 6% to 8%.

Thorn: Well, we selected a village market in the East where there is no industry, just family farms. The people buy their food from the market or grow it themselves. The market prices are fixed by the state.

Journalist: So your inflation figure is based on the lifestyle of someone living a subsistence existence, buying local produce occasionally, at a fixed, subsidized price, taking public transport when available.

Thorn: Or using a donkey. More chai ?

Day 32 - In league with the International Jewish Conspiracy

Today Mister Thorn is having a power breakfast with his press officer. They are feasting on pickled Venezuelan Poodle Moths. There have been reports in the infidel media that Istanshire secretly co-operated with archenemy Jewshire and allowed their air force to use Istanshire bases to carry out airstrikes against their mutual neighbor Sinistershire. In the true spirit of dictatorship Mister Thorn insists on drafting the press release himself because he doesn't trust his flunkies.

Thorn: No frickin' way did we let Jewshire use our airbases. We feel betrayed by our International partners who should have kept their big mouths shut as we frickin' agreed. These claims are absolutely wrong and saying otherwise is an act of betrayal by complete bastards who are now trying to drop me in the shit. Those who claim this are trying to damage Istanshire's relationships with its loyal Arab friends who would be frickin' apocalyptic if they discovered I was co-operating with our ancient, sworn enemy, the International Jewish Conspiracy. So we didn't do it. And print that!

I asked Mister Thorn how he was going to explain away the coming hike in domestic interest rates which he promised would never happen.

Thorn:  I have instructed my newspapers to redact the article in which I never made this promise.

Isn't that a little Orwellian? I asked. Whoever controls the past controls the future.

Thorn: Exactly.

Day 27 - Under the Volcano

Morning: The vicars have told me to keep my mouth shut again because they say they are fed up with me winding everyone up. What is the point of being Supreme Being if you can't do any spiteful winding and biblical smiting ? 

Anyway, here is my good old friend Fetullah Ghoulen who has perfected the art of being a real-life James Bond arch villain without anyone actually noticing. He has created a network of hundreds of faith colleges and schools in the United Shires, spreading our propaganda and new religion amongst the infidels and without using a penny of his $25 billion fortune. Unlike Ernst Blofeld he doesn't need to build missiles to threaten the world. He does it by brainwashing his pupils. And, and here is the hilarious part, our mutual enemy the President of the United Shires, Brad Orbarma, actually pays for it all! Brad Orbarma is truly our bitch.

Evening: Sod the vicars! I am ready for some smiting. Those bloody Brownies and Cub Scouts have invaded the park again and have also opened a street fete near the village square. I have sent my water cannon and riot police to the scene.

Just one foul move and we'll have you, you little trouble makers!