Day 35 - Dawn of the Undead Idiots

Mister Thorn, the self-appointed Grand Caliph of Little Tallyban and Greater Istanshire, has been in hospital (again) with multiple self-inflicted gunshot wounds to the foot. Naturally he blames the Rebellious Renegades of the village's Brownie and Cub Scout packs for his misfortune.

Bugger! I've just got Mrs Thorn's latest credit card bill. The bloody interest rate in Istanshire has had to be increased so that the International Jewish Banking Conspiracy continue to fund my frothy economic miracle which has been in somewhat of a death dive of late.

The wife has been on another of her spending sprees and bought our son a new cargo ship to add to his growing fleet. I'm a self made man. As a boy I used to sell lemonade on the village streets. Now I am a multi dollar billionaire. Not bad for a street kid huh ? Of course my detractors point out that this is impossible for a government official on a meagre stipend. Of course it's bloody impossible! They are such idiots. That's why I collect gifts from all the industrialists in my shire who want to continue doing business without getting a ruinous tax audit. That's what Swiss bank accounts are for and I have six!

 

Mister Thorn's ministers have been told to be more pious and to use the new state religion in all their day to day speeches and decisions.  So one of Thorn's government lawyers (not the sharpest tool in the shed - but what do you expect ?) launched an attack on expectant mothers who show off their bumps in public. Thorn agreed.

Pregnant women walking around in public are advertising that they have been shagging. Shagging is against our religion, is indecent and is just plain wrong. I have issued a decree. Shagging is hereby banned in our Shire.

The phone rings. It is the Chief Vicar. I have transcribed Thorn's side of the conversation.

What do you mean that our religion has been nominated for the Darwin Awards ? ....I thought you said sex was unholy ?.... Fuck! Make your bloody mind up! .....yes .....yes.....no....okay.....yes... But surely these sluts should just lock themselves away until it's all over?.... What do you mean it's a holy sacrament of marriage ?...... But......Mrs Thorn also told me that shagging was against our religion.... What ? .... It's not ?!!!!..... I'm gonna cancel that bitch's credit cards! And how the hell did she get pregnant then ?.... Yes I did do human biology at the faith school I attended. Yes I know where babies come from. They come from God....yes ..... no.... yes... God needs a little help ? Eh ?

Mister Thorn's Minister for Health has also been busy being pious. He has been gradually phasing out conventional medicine (most of the doctors are now in jail or working as street sweepers after getting fired). He is advising citizens to pray more in order to get protection from illness by god himself. Western medicines are unclean because they are often made with the donations of blood from unbelievers and pork eaters - specifically in Ingerlanshire where many advanced medicines are made.

My health minister has put the world on notice. We will not accept any medicines made by the unclean infidel pork eaters. Our medicines are being made by a race of vampires in league with the scientists of the Undead.

The phone rings. It is the Chief Vicar again. Again I dutifully transcribe Thorn's side of the conversation.

What do you mean there is no such thing as vampires ?.... Uh huh. uh huh. No undead either ? Uh huh. Can't I use that in my speech anyway. Most of what I say is completely made up anyway.... Uh huh. uh huh.... What ?!!! God can't take the place of medicines ? You have to be shitting me! ... uh huh.... It's just religious rhetoric... Uh huh. .....No more bullshit of any kind in my speeches?...... That will be hard.

 

Day 32 - In league with the International Jewish Conspiracy

Today Mister Thorn is having a power breakfast with his press officer. They are feasting on pickled Venezuelan Poodle Moths. There have been reports in the infidel media that Istanshire secretly co-operated with archenemy Jewshire and allowed their air force to use Istanshire bases to carry out airstrikes against their mutual neighbor Sinistershire. In the true spirit of dictatorship Mister Thorn insists on drafting the press release himself because he doesn't trust his flunkies.

Thorn: No frickin' way did we let Jewshire use our airbases. We feel betrayed by our International partners who should have kept their big mouths shut as we frickin' agreed. These claims are absolutely wrong and saying otherwise is an act of betrayal by complete bastards who are now trying to drop me in the shit. Those who claim this are trying to damage Istanshire's relationships with its loyal Arab friends who would be frickin' apocalyptic if they discovered I was co-operating with our ancient, sworn enemy, the International Jewish Conspiracy. So we didn't do it. And print that!

I asked Mister Thorn how he was going to explain away the coming hike in domestic interest rates which he promised would never happen.

Thorn:  I have instructed my newspapers to redact the article in which I never made this promise.

Isn't that a little Orwellian? I asked. Whoever controls the past controls the future.

Thorn: Exactly.

Day 31 - Twitter - the Jewish Conspiracy

Mister Thorn is in fine spirits today. He has definite proof of the Jewish Conspiracy.

My people have been pressuring the infidel Twitter to reveal the names and addresses of the Brownies and Boy Scouts who took part in the illegal summer camp in the village park. Twitter refused. However, some of my men who have been hurling insults at Jews on Twitter are about to be arrested after those insulted Jews went to court and sued Twitter for $50 million. My men are now up shit creek BUT they have shown to the world that Twitter is run by Jews and favors Jews. And it is anti-Istanshire. So much for the infidel freedom of speech. The only way Twitter can show they are truly impartial is to reveal the names and addresses of those Boy Scouts and Brownies that I seek. The sword of destiny awaits.

It's time for Mister Thorn's visit to the psychiatrist.

Psychiatrist:  First of all let me assure you that your tertiary syphilis is now under control but there is some moderate brain damage. Your irrational outbursts about people using magical powers to try and kill you are completely understandable.

Thorn: That bastard whore! He told me he was clean and that I didn't need to wear a condom.

Psychiatrist: So, Mister Thorn. How long have you had these feelings that the leaders of the infidel shires are using telekinesis to harm you ? ...... Okay, let's try something else. Do you really think there is an all powerful sky god who is directing and inspiring all your actions ? But you think watching Harry Potter movies is sinful, right ?