Day 44 - Lost in Time - the Erdoganikon Machine

The Grand Caliph of Little Tallyban and Greater Istanshire threw down a challenge to the village's cub scouts and brownie packs to design a new flag for their nation. The flag, said Thorn, should pay tribute to the old flag but should reflect the emerging character of the new nation. This is what the kiddies came up with - the winning entry ladies and gentlemen.

 

Thorn wrote: I am most impressed with the creativity of my school children in the Shires. They have told me that the banana is a symbol of myself, shining in the sky, enveloping this great nation of mine which is symbolised by the adjacent star. The banana is our image abroad, the yellow symbolizing our great justice system and the bravery of its leader -- that's me! I am so happy. They say I am like bananas. How cute! The red colour of the star symbolizes the blood spilled thus far to make this nation what it has become. How true!

 

My religious scientific advisors have been busy taking our country back through time. But like my favourite TV documentary, things have got a little fucked up. Instead of being transported to the Middle Ages our great nation has become stuck in Stalin's Russhire.

 

What a great opportunity! Here we are in revolutionary Russhire. My flunkies have been busy jailing everybody who has annoyed me during the last 10 years, just like Stalin. It's such fun. My show trial courts have now shown the world what true democratic justice is. This has been the just right of every great leader throughout history. Stalin, Hitler, Pinochet, Papa Doc, Brad Orbarma. Unfortunately cameras were banned and all the journalists in Istanshire were defendants so I didn't see what went on.  Note to self: Must be more open in the coming decades. The court cases would have been so popular on YouTube. No point in reading about it in the newspapers I control. They would just make it up.

Bugger! The villagers have started marching around with portraits of Joe Stalin in their hands chanting that they would rather have Stalin as a leader than me.  Sigh! Don't they have anything better to do than bitch about me ? Moan moan moan. All they do is moan. I should send out my police to start making random arrests in the village. That'll shut them up.

Day 36 - Time Travel - Dr. Tey and the Tardis

The self-appointed Grand Caliph of Little Tallyban and Greater Istanshire, Tey Thorn, is annoyed again - and Twitter is once again in his sights.

Thorn wrote:


I am boiling with anger. Those bastards at Twitter won't give me the names of the terrorists who were telling the Brownies and Cub Scouts where to get refreshing lemonade during their anarchist invasion and occupation of the village park. I have called in my advisers and have ordered them to arrest Twitter.

Flunky:  Lord, even you, most powerful and holy one, cannot arrest Twitter.

Thorn: And why not ?

Flunky: Twitter is an organization that is located beyond the borders of our Shire.

Thorn: Then arrest its ringleaders.

Flunky: They too live beyond our borders. And they have committed no crime.

Thorn: Then let's change the law so that they have committed a crime.

Flunky: Lord, even you, most powerful one, cannot create crimes of actions in the past.

And so it came to pass that Mister Thorn hatched a devilish plan to outwit the Jewish Conspiracy at Twitter.

Thorn: Then I will travel back in time and order my past self to change the law so that we can arrest those Tweeting bastards and jail the Jews that run Twitter. I have heard that in the land of Ingerlanshire there exists a great magician called The Doctor and a machine called the Tardis that can travel through time. We will steal his machine, bring it to Little Tallyban, travel back a few months and change the law.

Thorn: I am so excited. My diplomats have procured the Tardis from a cockney called Bob in a London backstreet for a mere 50,000 pounds. I have a Tardis! And my publisher informs me that all people who travel in the Tardis are called Retards. Just imagine it! I am a retard!

Later that day.

Thorn: The fucking thing doesn't work. And it's bloody tiny inside. Even when we said the magic words that Bob told us to say. Even when we made the strange screeching noises that Bob had told us to say that we had seen on the demo DVD.

Flunky: Do not worry my Lord. We have a Plan B. We have all the newspaper owners in the Shire in our pocket and we can force them to print what we want. You will note the identical headlines in today's newspapers. We will order them to report that the law against Twitter already exists.

Thorn: Excellent!

Publisher's Note: The above photo is used for illustrative purposes only. Everyone knows that Turkey is a fully functioning democracy. These newspapers are from the parallel universe of Istanshire where a madman is at the controls, where newspapers regularly print lies to hoodwink the populace, the international community couldn't give a fuck, and truth is dead.