Day 62 - Somewhere Over the Fucking Rainbows

His Crappola Highness Tey Thorn is not amused by the cub scouts and brownie packs of the Village of Little Tallyban. After his sexually confused speech in which he simultaneously introduced separate bathing for men and women while banning homosexuality (with the exception of men buggering male goats which is allowed under the new state religion) the kids have started painting the village in the gay colors of the rainbow.

Thorn writes: The little shits are always trying to provoke me. Everyone provokes me. That is why I have ordered the village workmen to paint over these horrendous looking stairs in a lovely municipal grey. That'll show them.

 

 But the more the grey men fumed and painted the more the village children painted....

 

 

 

Furious that the rainbow revolution went completely unopposed by his own supporters (who don't understand symbolism anyway) Thorn began to pen a revenge speech.

Thorn wrote: My riot police have suffered so much at the hands of the brownie and cub scouts. They have suffered endless provocation. Flowers thrust in front of their faces. Glasses of undoubtedly poisoned lemonade offered. And bullets. Oh yes. Real ones. Shot at my policemen.

Toady: O lord and mighty one.

Thorn: Yes, yes, yes, what do you want now ?

Toady: It is against our religion to lie. It is a sin. To lie. About um.... the bullets. No shots have ever been fired.

Thorn: I read that shots had been fired.

Toady: Yes Efendi. Our policeman shot and killed a protester.

Thorn: But our man was shooting back, surely?

Toady: If my lord wishes it so...

Later that day.....

Thorn has just appeared on a particularly smarmy TV show in which he has been praised for his achievements..... endlessly.

Thorn: Note to self. Must buy that nice TV presenter some sex lube. His butt must be so sore.

Day 58 - The Gay in the Closet - Just say yes!

His Grand and Most Excellent Excellency (etc etc) Tey Thorn is furious (again) - this time because opinion polls conducted in the Village of Little Tallyban say he is autocratic. They say he has surrounded himself with advisers who are toadies, sycophants and Yes Men.

Thorn stormed to a meeting of the party faithful: I am always open to new ideas. I call on all intellectuals to criticize me if they think I am wrong. I am not a scientist. My advisers are not Yes Men. They are all handpicked because their opinions concur with mine. And if any intellectual in the Shires should wish to criticize me me then let them have the balls to stand up publicly for what they believe is right.

Publisher's note: Understandably, those intellectuals who have not already been jailed, sued into poverty, disemboweled or deprived of their 'crown jewels' are reluctant to come forward. Undeterred, Mister Thorn continues to burrow himself deeper into the personal lives of his subjects.

He continues: From now on, gay men -- who are certainly an abomination and destined for the lake of fire in Hell -- will be prevented from being employed by the state. Homosexuality will be illegal and a jail-able offence. And I am also announcing a new building plan of separate swimming pools for men and women. No more will men have to look at women in bikinis. We are creating a nation where men and women will no longer use the same swimming pools . From now on the sexes will bathe separately to avoid any improper conduct. Imagine a world where men no longer have to be confronted by lascivious women in bikinis. I will give this to you.

The irony of announcing these two policies together goes unnoticed. After the hysterical reception by the party faithful Mister Thorn turns to his advisers.

Thorn: I no longer want Yes Men in my entourage.

Creepy Toady 1: Yes Efendi.

Thorn: Will you disagree with me if you feel I am in the wrong ?

Creepy Toady 2: Yes of course Efendi.

Thorn: Am I the greatest man who ever lived ?

Creepy Toady 3: Yes indeed Efendi.